I see mothers all the time worrying to the point of exhaustion and I'm not sure that is good for anyone because the last thing I want to do is live out of fear or teach my kids to live out of fear. As a mother though my heart aches always to do right for these little babies. Most mothers are always concerned with their baby’s health and development. For me it's their emotions. I don't know if it's because that's where I was broken as a child or what but my heart aches for them to feel secure, joyful and loved. My son is a little more demanding than my daughter. I like to say he is just passionate. Whatever it is it's been since the day he was born. He cries louder and more often. He wants to be held more and I love this, but it causes me to wonder why. Is he unhappy? Is he scared? Is he not secure? Did I not hold him enough or talk to him enough? Why? Then my daughter doesn't get held as often and I wonder...Does she feel loved? Does she know her Mommy loves her? Does she feel secure? My heart aches just as I write the questions.
Tonight we went on a little family outing to the beach. It was the first warm Saturday of the season and I desperately wanted to be outside. I wanted to shoot with my ISO low and my shutter speed high. I wanted to feel and see the warm light. I wanted to be outside. It was about an hour drive. I made sure the babies were fed and prayed my guts out that they would be happy and we could enjoy a family day out together. It wasn't 10 minutes before Chase started crying. Chase's cry is painful to listen to because I would call it more of a scream. He gets himself so worked up that he can't breathe and his lip is quivering. Physically he had everything he needed he was fed, changed; he was fine before we left so I didn't think it was gas or anything, but he just cried. He cried for a couple minutes but then I was able to entertain him out of it. We got to the beach and had a couple minutes of sunlight left so we made the best of it. It was nice to be outside. Then we had to get on the road again because the park was going to close. We loaded them up and Zaya immediately started crying. This wasn't her normal fussy cry this was an I'm really upset mom please do something cry. Zaya doesn't get like this very often so I panic when she does because I don't always know how to soothe her. I haven't had the practice that I've had with Chase. Then I feel guilty and the questions begin. So we pull over and I am trying to soothe Zaya and Chase starts screaming again. They cried and cried and cried. We tried everything, but they weren't happy. It was then I broke. My heart had carried the weight of the why and what if questions long enough and I broke. I cried right alongside both of my babies. I cried because I couldn't make them feel secure, I couldn't help them to feel joy and I cried because I felt like I couldn't love them enough in that moment. Sometimes the worry is unbearable, so I surrender them again.
It's not that I worry to worry because I think that's what mom's should do (the prerequisite). I suppose I worry because I have never felt a love like this before. I don't want anything to hurt them. I don't want them to ever question their identity or their worth. I don't want them to ever know or feel the pain I have in my life. I cry as I write because it is unbearable at times, so I surrender them again.
Today I’m grateful because I do know the truth. God is in this with me, He loves Zaya and Chase more than I ever could and the weight of that love isn't heavier then the cross that he already bared for me and for them.
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly. ~Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)