Before we left for Indiana I went shopping for some new clothes to fit this new post pregnancy body because I knew that the sweat pants I have been wearing for the last 5 months weren't going to win the coolest girl award with the super trendy, totally hip photographers I would be spending time with. It was my first time since I had the babies that I would be leaving them for a "work day" of time. I don't know if it was the anticipation of meeting my favorite photographer, or the excitement of all I would learn or the sheer exhaustion of getting us ready to go on this trip that made me miss how hard the time away from the babies would actually be. Reality struck me over the head the very first night when I was walking over to the mixer to meet the other photographers and Amy Wenzel. Here I was dressed in my cutest trendy shirt, my hair pulled to the side and my make up done. I actually thought, “I look pretty” but I felt like I was 8 years old and playing dress up. I was also dealing with butterflies in my stomach fluttering in all kinds of directions causing a sort of hurricane in my stomach. As I walked to the mixer I called my husband and rambled on and on about how I haven't been this nervous since high school, "I feel like it's the first day of school and I'm the new kid." I wanted to fit in with my cool clothes and my great hair, but I felt like I was a square trying to fit in a round hole. For the last 5 months my deepest conversations have been with two little people who can't talk back. I didn't know what to do with myself I felt like a fish out of water. I was friendly, I smiled and came up with something to say...something probably ridiculous and out of left field, but something. I wanted to be there. I wanted to meet some new friends and encourage them, I also wanted to learn new things and go to the next level in my photography. I knew this was a dream come true, but I couldn't get past this desire to just be with my babies, in the comfort of my sweat pants, talking baby talk and seeing them smile.
Someone once shared a quote with me and it went something like this, "Being a mother is learning how to live with your heart running around apart from you." It's true! My heart was in our hotel room with Grandma those two days and I haven't learned how to keep living without it near. I find it hard to focus in adult conversation, I have a really hard time being productive, even when they're sleeping I just want to check on them and I have a hard time pursuing my dreams because my heart just wants to see them pursue theirs.
So the workshop was incredible. I was challenged in my thinking about what kind of business I want, I learned a lot in Photoshop and business practices, and I also learned that I know a lot more than I thought I did. I should be more confident in my art, in my capabilities and in myself as a photographer. I was disappointed in myself because I didn't let myself be known, I didn't get to know anyone and I didn't encourage anyone. The things I used to be good at don't come as easy anymore. I'm learning how to live in this new "mom skin". I hope one day I get a chance to meet Amy Wenzel again and encourage her in the place she is at in life. I hope one day I get the chance to be in a room with strangers and get to know some new people and allow them to know me. I hope one day the Lord gives me another chance to be used by Him. I’m afraid I missed it this time.
Today I'm grateful I had the opportunity to go and learn about photography and that the Lord met me and taught me some things about myself.
These are a couple shots from the photo shoot at the workshop. Let me know what you think.